Mis-Manners

I expect that everyone has witnessed a scenario like this: A child is given something; the child’s parent is there and prompts, “What do you say?”; the child responds—dutifully, correctly—“Thank you.”

This is a common occurrence, even to the point of being mundane. Nonetheless, it is just this type of situation that I have been pondering lately.

What are manners? Why do parents try to teach them? Do manners serve a purpose, and do parents have that purpose in mind when manners are taught? Can manners even be taught? Do manners come with a cost? What are “Bad Manners” and how do they differ from “Good Manners”? How is that distinction decided? How is that distinction made known?

Consider what is taught (or forced) when one child has wronged another. “Say you’re sorry,” the offender’s parent demands. Why? What outcome does the parent want or expect? At the simplest level, the parent may believe that an apology will mend the rift that has formed between her child and his “victim”—and any rift between parents as well. Going deeper, the parent may hope by this exercise to teach consideration for others or accountability for one’s actions.

Now, what is required of the injured child? Is the wrongdoer’s apology sufficient to repair any damage or ill-will? Let’s continue with the example in the preceding paragraph, and for simplicity and to highlight the issue let’s say that the children are siblings. There is often variation in what comes before the apology, such as some kind of punishment, but what is at issue here is what happens after the “I’m sorry.” In almost every case I have witnessed, once the apology is given the parent leaves the children to “carry on,” clearly showing that the parent believes that a goal has been reached. What is that goal? What has been achieved? What have the children—both offender and victim—learned?

I would say that the children have learned that: when you do something wrong you should say that you’re sorry. And I would also say that that is a meaningless lesson. Demanding that the offender do more, such as acts of restitution, moves beyond “Manners” and into something substantial, but I think it still falls short of the mark. The focus shifts to how the victim responds, and I think that here parents are neglectful in their teaching.

It should be obvious from what I have written that I think there is a correct response to an apology and that I require it from my daughters and myself. What do you think is the right response? Do you require a response from your child when she has been offered an apology? What is it?